It's been a rough few weeks...

So I told you about Marc's diabetes, definitely not the worst thing in the world but it does add some stress. As usual the kids are keeping me very busy. All of them seem to have problems when it comes to listening to Marc and I these days, mostly me since I tend to be the disciplinarian. We say something to them and they just blatantly ignore it. Drives me crazy! But I'm doing the best I can with consistency, and thank you to Carolyn who recommended a book called Simplicity Parenting. I just started reading it and am hoping to get some fresh ideas and a second wind at all this :) It's mainly Ella with her after school meltdowns and Noah's mischievousness and unwillingness to sleep a whole night in his bed that's got me the most frazzled. Anyone who knows me well knows about my lifelong struggle with anxiety and OCD and that I do not deal well with certain things, i.e illness, injuries, death. I spend the majority of my day worrying about my kids and my family. My OCD triggers a constant need to keep the house clean all the time. With that being said dealing with that along with the everyday stress of life is hard enough but last week I got some bad news- just one of those inevitable things that's sure to happen in life- but it was just too much to bare. I ended up in the ER one night. I had been feeling sick and dizzy and after passing out I had to call Marc to come home. I was still feeling awful when he arrived, like I could barely stay conscious so our Dr referred me to the ER. Went in with nausea, dizziness, and fainting and before I knew it my heart was racing, I couldn't breath I was wired up to heart monitors, had an EKG, 4 IV bags of fluid, blood work,a nurse saying "OMG, there's def something wrong with you" as the heart monitor machines were beeping like crazy and the doctor came running in. Well after all that-diagnosis severe anxiety attack. *SIGH* Frankly, I was pretty embarrassed, Ive never had an anxiety attack before and to be honest I use to think they were BS, completely in peoples heads. Boy, was I wrong. I had no idea my body was capable of reacting like that to anxiety and it terrifies me. When the Dr, who was so helpful and kind, left I just began to sob. I said to Marc "am I gonna end up like this every time something bad happens?" It's frightening to know that I couldn't help myself, that my emotions had that much control over me physically. It's left me a little worse for wear this past week but I realize now that I really have to tackle this issue head on. Luckily, after Marc pulled some strings (since he works in the hospital) I was able to get into see my Dr this morning otherwise it would've taken weeks. He put me on some new medicine along with Klonipon to use in case another attack should strike. One of the last meds I was on made me gain 30lbs in a matter of 5 months, I switched a little over a month ago to something different in hopes of losing some of that weight which I did, but it clearly didn't help with the anxiety ,made it worse. So we'll try out this new stuff which is suppose to be "weight neutral" and fingers crossed that I can continue to lose weight and feel better again. No anti-anxiety drug is going to cure me of my fears or keep my family safe, stop people from getting sick or dying but I guess if it'll allow me spend more time enjoying the good things in my life rather than worrying about them constantly , that's the best I can hope for. I know the most important thing I can do at this point is learn how to better cope with these things that are certain to happen in my life from time to time. I plan on talking with a therapist and am also going to meet with the priest of our church. I figure my faith in God will ultimately be what guides me through these inevitable events so Id like to get a better grasp on the "bigger picture". Well I guess that's a lot of personal information I've shared with you. I used to be ashamed of it, but its like my mom said to me the other day-"you're not crazy, anxiety truly is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain and for you it's your deep compassion, sensitivity and love that sparks the fire". I guess my hope is now that when I do encounter bad things, I'll be able to deal with them with grace and spirit.